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Category Archives: Humour

If you want to write a ‘fairplay’ mystery – where your reader has all the clues to solve the mystery- the earlier you plant the clue that will give away the solution the better. Below is a case in point. Good old Sherlock!

Sherlock StarsSherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot, Some ——- has stolen our tent.”

The very first piece of information you were given is that they were camping. But after the good meal, the bottle of wine and the lengthy discussion about the meaning of the universe, you forgot that. Ta Da.

No mystery reader is worth their salt if they haven’t read at least two of Donald Westlake’s Dormunder books and two of his Parker books written under the name of Richard Stark. Of course that’s a dirty trick because you won’t be able to read just two.

Donald Westlake (1933 – 2008) was a brilliant author of over one hundred books. Wikipedia says: Donald Westlake was known for the great ingenuity of his plots and the audacity of his gimmicks. His writing and dialogue are lively. His main characters are fully rounded, believable, and clever.”

About Parker:

“Whatever Stark writes, I read. He’s a stylist, a pro, and I thoroughly enjoy his attitude.”—Elmore Leonard

“Richard Stark’s Parker novels … are among the most poised and polished fictions of their time and, in fact, of any time.”—John Banville, Bookforum”—

“Parker is a true treasure. … The master thief is back, along with Richard Stark.”—Marilyn Stasio, New York Times Book Review”—

About the Dortmunder books – This is what Westlake has to say:

“Those 4 guys in the late 60’s who attacked a jewel merchant on New York’s West 46th St. on the sidewalk, so they could steal his jewel-filled station wagon, which they abandoned 2 blocks later because none of them could drive a stick shift. Where would I be without such people?” – Donald E. Westlake

But one of my favorite Westlake books ever is a stand-alone. If you pick it up, plan on uncontrollable laughter and staying up all night reading.

Plotting has never been easier. Now I’m using my own book (in process) to help me write mystery cluetrails. Gives a whole new meaning to ‘helping yourself’. Jest For Fun was produced to help raise awareness of the Radium Hot Springs Public Library and was an egg-smashing success!

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, ”I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, ”Follow me.” The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. ”Thanks so much,” says the theatergoer, ”This seat is perfect.” He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, ”The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.”

The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 & the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.



“I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.”  James H. Boren

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from St. John’s, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on?’

The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.’

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian ?’

Because the O’Connor twins are drunk again.

This showed up in my email a few days ago. Pretty fun and no doubt accurate.

ECONOMIC RECOVERY – A HUMOROUS INTROSPECTION

Unknown

It is a slow day in the small prairie town of Ulivhere , and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A rich tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Farmer’s Co-op.

The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything… However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the government is conducting business today.

Even before Youtube people were inevitably caught with their pants down; metaphorically speaking. Hidden cameras provided us with some great moments in television.

While setting up for a “Candid Camera” segment in a bank one day, Allan Funt (the show’s host) was astonished to find himself in the middle of an actual robbery. As Funt looked on dumbfounded, the staff – naturally assuming that the robbery was a practice run of a practical joke – began clapping. So astonished was the robber that he actually dropped his gun and raced out of the bank!

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answers Juan.

The guard says,”We’ll just see about that ~ get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bagsand rips them apart;he empties them out and
finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags,
hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan,
who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day
and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.  It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”