From the diary of Tiffany the Toilet Ranger:

Really, a campground over a long weekend is a great setting for a mystery - of any type - suspense, cozy, psychological thriller … all the elements are there. I know, I was there, too.

The balding fellow with the huge RV, the tiny yappy dashboard dog off-leash and a cougar in the area - what was he thinking? Squirrels are bigger than that animal for gosh sakes and if the mutt where to disappear down the maze of gopher holes, he would never ever be found again. Would the perplexed owner with the big rec equipment think someone had stolen his pouch … would he be set on revenge?

Where would he look to cast blame?

Suspense: On the couple running naked through the trees and doing a very private act in a very public place? Wait - I can see there’s no where to hide a dog, even a very small one, there.

Psychological thriller: Maybe it was the group with the axes stuck into the environmentally protected trees? Too bad there is nothing to save them from the mentally deficient. Is the pampered pet chopped liver?

Cozy: How about the Goth with the dog collar around her neck - that collar looks pretty tight - did she take it from the yappy-happy pup? Are those ripped leggings from Rover’s roving claws?

Action: The dudes with the dynamite fireworks - did he accidently light Rover over a cherry bomb? Will they steal a high speed cleaning cart, bust the barricade and dump the deceased into the ash pit?

Accidental Death: Or maybe it was a bear, waking up, hungry and thinking the diminutive dog was just a berry on the bush - smush, chomp, swallow - no evidence there until it comes out the other end - miles away - in a cave high above the tree line.

Such are the ponderings of a toilet ranger.

This woman got covered in it - metaphorically speaking.

45 year old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packets of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police Brasher later said that she didn’t realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

A policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility…

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

Q: ‘Officer — who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes

sir, I do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’
Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a

room you share with these same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

Apparently in the summer of 1958, a group of overworked, exhausted CIA spies were relaxing during the wedding of a comrade, between crisis situations in Berlin. They ate, drank and posed for pictures. Later, when one of the fellows asked the groom for copies of the wedding pictures, the groom replied, ‘We didn’t hire a photographer.”

·         The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison,” and he said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

      ·         A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

·         “He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr

·         “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill

·         “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” - Winston Churchill

·         “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

·         “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

·         “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

·         “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas

·         “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” - Abraham Lincoln

·         “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain

·         “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde

·         “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

·         “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response.

·         “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop

·         “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright

·         “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb

·         “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson

·         “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating

·         “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” - Jack E. Leonard

·         “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” - Robert Redford

·         “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” - Thomas Brackett Reed

·         “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Charles, Count Talleyrand

·         “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker

·         “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain

·         “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West

·         “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde

·         “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support
rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

·         “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder

·         “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx

Two of my favorite subjects, mysterys and metaphysics. Those these days the metaphysics is getting top billing. That’s another reason to love the word ‘mystery’ - it can mean so many things. And everything is better when it’s mixed with humour. Thank you Steven Wright; you are one of the funniest!

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

- Steven Wright

Thanks to the Canadian / Associated Press for continuing to bring us these juicy bits of ineptness from around the world. Who said all news was serious? Unfortunately it is listed under ‘diversions’ most of the time, but media reality is subjective in any case as this quote so wittily states:

“Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock. ” Ben Hecht

But back to the story …

German robber nabbed after leaving behind telltale DNA on salami chunk

Published: Thursday, January 31, 2008 | 10:26 AM ET

Canadian Press: THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

BERLIN - German police have charged a robbery suspect after matching his DNA to that found on a piece of salami spat out at a crime scene.

The bitten-off chunk of the telltale sausage was discovered at a building that had been broken in to in the southern city of Darmstadt in April.

Police say the 37-year-old man was taken into custody in early January after police ran his name through their computers at a highway spot-check and found he was wanted for several other crimes.

Once in custody, he was linked to the Darmstadt break-and-enter through the DNA sample on the salami and charged.

But it seems the rejected meat was not the robber’s only slip up: he has been charged with a total of 19 break-ins after other links were found.

The man, whose name was not released, remains in custody while police investigate.

Oh my gosh the cow came back. Like a bad spaghetti western, the irrepressible bovine has returned! Talk about a story that just begs to be written - actually it’s practically writing itself. What to call such a story? The Cow with No Name? Shall we call him Paddy? Something about Cows? What was that sticky white stuff? Spy Cows?

You’ll remember from our last episode - oh wait - blogs are read backwards in time so unless you’ve been following along you wouldn’t know about the cow that fell through a mini-van windshield and then we had the farmer who shot a cow accidentally mistaking it for a coyote and now this! A cowknapping! Or perhaps the cow was the mastermind and the media cleverly twisted the story around to protect the little related calves and calfettes - or maybe the cow was actually the driver and the brother of a highly placed politician. We’ll probably never know the true story but here’s what the media is saying about the lastest farm animal incident. … and I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth!

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - Thieves in Malaysia stole a cow, squeezed it into the back seat of a car and drove off with it but abandoned the animal when the getaway vehicle crashed into a tree, police said Thursday.

The cow, injured in the crash, was slaughtered by villagers. The thieves managed to push the cow into the back of a mid-sized sedan Tuesday night but were spotted by villagers who gave chase, said a local police official in the northern state Kedah. He declined to be named, citing protocol.

The driver lost control during the chase and drove into a tree, injuring the cow, he said. By the time villagers got to the crash site, one person was seen running from the car but police believe more people were involved in the theft, the official said.

It was not clear how they managed to push the cow into the car or whether the animal had been sedated. A blurry photograph in the New Straits Times newspaper showed the cow’s head with closed eyes sticking out of the back seat window of the crashed car.

Probably. Guess it doesn’t matter if you figure God, Big Brother or all your peers are watching if it prompts one to go in the right direction! We need more heros.

Worried about how he’d look on YouTube, NJ donut shop employee clobbers thief

Published: Wednesday, December 12, 2007 | 8:26 AM ET

Canadian Press: THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

ELMWOOD PARK, N.J. - When a thief started taking cash from his register on the weekend, Dunkin’ Donuts employee Dustin Hoffmann fought back by clobbering the man with a ceramic mug.

But Hoffmann admits he was less worried about the stolen cash than how he might look on the video-sharing site YouTube.

“What was going through my mind at that point was that the security tape is either going to show me run away and hide in the office or whack this guy in the head, so I just grabbed the cup and clocked the guy pretty hard,” Hoffmann told The Record of Bergen County.

The man came into the shop and ordered a pastry Sunday night, according to Elmwood Park Police Chief Donald Ingrasselino.

Once Hoffmann opened the register, the man jumped over the counter and started taking cash.

Police said Hoffmann grabbed the man’s wrists while hitting him with the mug, which is used to hold tips. Hoffmann managed to scare away the man, who made out with just $90 and left behind a baseball cap police are holding to test for DNA evidence.

No arrests have been made. Hoffman plans to post the surveillance video when he can.

“There are only a few videos like that on YouTube now, so mine’s going to be the best,” he said. “That’ll teach this guy.”

Dovetailing nicely with the story of the cow who crashed down on a minivan earlier this month, comes this choice morsel from the Canadian Press. (I have to wonder, however, why all this amusing stories come from other countries than Canada; and I can wonder, since as a Canadian, I know there are many ridiculous things that happen in this country too) But back to the cow.  For the sake of a story: this could be a revenge seeking relative - the cow, not the guy with the gun. Maybe the cow knew something and the guy with the gun, who possibly allegedly was involved with in the first incident, had to shut the cow up before he talked. Shades of Animal Farm …………………

Man says he shot cow after mistaking it for coyote; authorities are skeptical

Published: Thursday, November 22, 2007 | 8:24 PM ET

Canadian Press: THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

COLFAX TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A man says he shot and killed a neighbour’s cow after mistaking it for a coyote.

Authorities and the cow’s owner are skeptical. The undersheriff in northern Michigan’s Benzie County says he doesn’t see how anyone could confuse a 635-kilogram, pregnant cow with a coyote, which typically weighs about 13 kilograms.

Shooting coyotes is illegal during deer-shooting season and authorities asked the county prosecutor to bring charges.

Undersheriff Rory Heckman says the 42-year-old man told authorities he was out to shoot coyotes near his home Saturday when he killed the cow and then tried to drag it home.

The owner of the cow, DeAnn Mosher, says her husband thought that their neighbour should go through some therapy looking at repeated pictures of cows and coyotes, because they look nothing alike.